Wednesday, 19 June 2013

A Glossary of Terms

I realised I use a few terms and acronyms in my posts that may require further explanation. I like to make up terms to sound smart, and use acronyms because generally I CBF spelling things out (see: CBF). Here is a list of the most common, along with a few others I have made up on the fly (note: these are not in alphabetical order because, well, CBF):

Zen Mother noun A mythical being; one who is calm and patient in the face of a crying/whinging/screaming/angsty child regardless of their own state of sleep deprivation, hunger, PMT, achin' bones, general state of displeasure with the house/work/spouse/child/world-in-general.

Zen Father noun A mythical being; often avoided in favour of The Fun One (see: Dad).

Dad noun The Fun One; one who opts to distract the child with something shiny and noisy during the "I don't wanna go to sleep" tantrum, thereby rendering it almost impossible to calm him down and back to bed in less than 2 hours.

Sleep verb A mythical state of being for mums and dads, but achieved in short blocks by babies, punctuated by crying, cooing or the overwhelming urge to practise new skills, such as crawling, regardless of the time of night.

Zombie Mum noun One who has had little sleep due to a sick/hungry/teething/developing child but who still functions at an acceptable level in daily life; has been known to put the dishes to bed and the baby in the dishwasher (note: this is considered acceptable behaviour after 8 months of 5 hours of broken sleep a night).

Zombie Dad noun One who has had slightly more sleep than his counterpart but rendered as vague by having to listen to how little sleep mum has had, and how she accidentally put the nappies in the fridge and dinner in the washing machine and didn't notice until tea time.

Earth Mother noun A superior being (see also Zen Mother/Zen Father); one who happily cleans poop off cloth nappies, safe in the knowledge that when the world ends from over-consumption, it's not her fault; one who re-purposes, grows, mends, makes all household items, and only buys from fair trade, organically certified companies; drives a Prius.

Mommy Blogger noun An all-American Mom who blogs about the joys of parenting, her faith, crafting, baking and budgeting; one who makes the rest of us feel inadequate; one who encourages me to start projects I'm never going to finish (wall art in the corner of the room gathering dust, I'm looking at you) and bake things that will make me fat but somehow they stay thin as rakes (I think going to church burns calories).

Mlogger noun My version of Mommy Blogger. I'm hoping it will catch on, like Brangelina or Bennifer.

Housework noun A non-essential act bragged about by Mommy Bloggers who's youngest child is 17 years old and at boarding school in Alaska; previously undertaken when visitors were expected but now reserved for Christmas and birthdays, or when rodents can be seen/heard.

Naptime noun A blissful state for all involved achieved after 30 minutes of feeding, furious eye-rubbing and loud objections; lasts anywhere from 20 to 90 minutes in babies, but can occur up to 3 times a day; a time to drink coffee, eat chocolate, play Candy Crush Saga and generally whittle away your time online.

CBF acronym "Can't be fathomed". Okay. Not really. It's "can't be f***ed", but I recommend the first version if your kid or Child Services asks.

Mummy Worry noun A constant state, beginning when you find out your are pregnant and continuing for the rest of your life.

Daddy Worry noun A constant state, beginning around 37 weeks gestation - marked by the biggest bender of your life, or buying a motorcycle or dying your hair pink - and continuing for the rest of your life; marked also by the biggest bollocking of your life, beginning with the phrase "I could have gone into labour" or, "I went into labour and you were WHAT?"

Mummy Guilt noun A constant state, beginning when you find out your are pregnant and continuing for the rest of your life; continually escalating state; manifests as anything from nail biting and nagging to visiting your adult son with home cooked meals and blocks of chocolate; can be used for evil for the purposes of getting your own way on something, but tread lightly as overuse will result in diminishing returns.

Daddy Guilt noun A diluted version of Mummy Guilt; usually related to inattention resulting in bubba engaging in a dangerous activity and getting a bump on the head; short-lived; eased with bubba cuddles.

Mount Foldmore noun That big arse pile of washing that never seems to diminish; a task conquered daily, but with little or no evidence, so you feel like you have to list it as an achievement every day when someone asks how your day was.

Mobile Phone noun Something with which to distract a small person when you are trying to get 3 extra minutes of sleep in the morning, talk to a friend, or eat lunch.

Massive Mobile Phone Bill noun Bubba called China? Worth it.

Coffee noun Caffeinated beverage enjoyed any time of the day, piping hot or lukewarm (there is no in between).

Tea noun Sort of caffeinated beverage used when excessive amounts of instant coffee have cause stomach pains.

Chocolate noun Used as a quick source of energy or endorphin boost, depending on how tired you are or how long you baby has been grizzling; for non-parents, it is an enjoyable treat taken in moderation; for parents it is an essential vitamin for the daily management of emotional well-being.

Stick it, jerk phrase A reasonable response to members of the public who offer unsolicited parenting advice or make obvious statements (eg "Gee, he's cranky"); may also be used when you step on a piece of Lego, or a seemingly dormant toy suddenly pipes up with "Let's play" just as you have finally got your baby off to sleep.

I'm not sure how much of this makes sense; I haven't edited it because we have a case of pint-sized man flu in the house. Seriously, I didn't realise it kicked in at such a young age. I assumed I had at least 7 years up my sleeve. Ah well. At least the big one doesn't have it... Yet.